Quickie

A skeleton goes into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

 

 

LOL....told you it's a quickie :-))))))

Have a GREAT weekend Jland!!!!

 

A bit of Bull LOL

CONJONES DE TOROS

 A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following
 a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his
 tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
 platter being served at the next table.
 Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
 He asked the waiter,

 "What is that you just served?"
 The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent
 taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, Bull's
 testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
 delicacy!"

 The cowboy said, "What the heck bring me an order."

 The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is
 only one serving per day because there is only one
 bull fight each morning. If you come early and place
 your order, we will be sure to save you this
 delicacy."

 The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his
 order, and that evening was served the one and only
 special delicacy of the day.

 After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but
 they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
serve yesterday"

 The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,
 Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

LOL Have a good rest of the week friends!

Arise today!

Saint Patrick’s Breastplate

 

 

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity

Through belief in the threeness

Through confession of the oneness

Of the Creator of Creation

 

I arise today

Through the strength of Christ’s birth with His baptism

Through the strength of His crucifixion with His burial

Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of Doom

 

I arise today

Through the strength of the love of Cherubim

In obedience of angels in the service of archangels

In hope of resurrection to meet with reward

In prayers of patriarchs

In predictions of prophets

In preaching of apostles

In faith of confessors

In innocence of virgins

In deeds of righteous men

 

I arise today

Through the strength of heaven

Light of sun

Radiance of moon

Splendour of fire

Speed of lightening

Swiftness of wind

Depth of sea

Stability of earth

Firmness of rock

 

I arise today

Through God’s strength to pilot me

God’s might to uphold me

God’s wisdom to guide me

God’s eye to look before me

God’s ear to speak for me

God’s word to speak for me

God’s hand to guard me

God’s way to lie before me

God’s shield to protect me

God’s host to save me

From snares of devils

From temptation of vices

From everyone who shall wish me ill

Afar and a-near

Alone and in multitude

 

I summon today all these powers between me and these evils

Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul

Against incantations and false prophets

Against black laws of pagandom

Against false laws of heretics

Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards

Against every knowledge that corrupts man’s body and soul

 

Christ to shield me today

Against poison, against burning, against drowning, against wounding

So that there may come to me abundance of reward

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me

 

Christ on my right, Christ on my left

Christ when I lie down¸ Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise

Christ in the heart of every man that thinks of me

Christ in the mouth of everyonewho speaks of me

Christ in every eye that sees me

Christ in every ear that hears me

 

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity

Through belief in the threeness

Through confession of the oneness

Of the Creator of Creation

 

This was such a blessing to read....made me feel like I could conquer the world!! :-)

I know there are so very many Jlander friends hurting and I pray that these words will offer comfort and help you ARISE TODAY!! LOOOVE YOU!!!!!

 

Very urgent warning

VERY VERY VERY URGENT!!!!

Please take note!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate people that forward too many warnings, but this one is extremely important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on lice and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around a pole, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

 

(I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now... )

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL....thought you'd all enjoy a good laugh! Have a GREAT weekend LOVE YA!!!!!!

Eager Teaching Prospect Re-evaluates Position

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. "Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,newsletter and report card ?. "All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then you tell me . . . I CAN'T PRAY ???? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING"   All jokes aside...without prayer I believe we fight a battle that can't be won!

Carrie's birthday

It's Carolines'  birthday today !!!!!! Happy Birthday my dear friend!!

Caroline is a wonderful, caring friend

and I wanted to share with everyone how much she means to me!

(Just shows you how like-minded we are....THANK YOU Carrie for

your beautiful tribute)

When I think of Carrie, I think of her laughter!

She has the most AWESOME laugh of anyone I know!

That belly laugh has brought so much joy to my life.

Caroline is a true friend.One that comes along once in a life time.

She is an encourager!I have so many little notes and bookmarks she has blessed

me with... all with perfectly chosen Bible verses! We are sisters in Christ!

I have a sister whom I love dearly, but as with siblings there are complications.

Caroline is like a sister without those complications! There is no competition

or emotional baggage you sometimes get amongst siblings.There is just an acceptance

of eachother and it is a wonderful friendship to have!!!

Do I miss her from across the pond? More than I can tell! But, a bond like that is not easily broken and distance cannot and will not change the bond between us!

Friends like Caroline are hard to find. I think the world would be soo much better if we

all just took the time to be kind, caring and thoughtful to eachother....like Carrie

Caroline is a go-getter! I am so very proud of the way she has coped with the move to America.The way she studied, which I know must have been so very difficult with a young family to take care of!! Well done! She has a heart of GOLD- a Jesus heart!! Her hubby and children are her life and her dedication to them is amazing to watch! She is an AWESOME wife and mother! I have learnt many tips from watching her gentle spirit!(Well gentle most of the time LOL...)She'll know what I mean!!!!

What always amazes me is how often we'll be thinking the same things!!!! That still blows my mind!!!! People don't always understand the depth of our friendship.They don't understand that God gives us friends as a gift.Sometimes Carolines' and my hubby would look at us laughing hysterically and look at eachother and shrug their shoulders.They don't get it :-))))LOL

My friend, have a great birthday! You are in my heart always-I thank God

that He blessed me with an earthly angel for a friend!

Love

Neenie

                      Forever Friends

Weekend laugh

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

10."Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."

11."I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

12."I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

13."My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

14."I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

15."Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

16."Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chainstore."

17."Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I
have never quit a job."

18."Marital status: often. Children: various."

19."The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."

20."Finished eighth in my class of ten."

21."References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

 

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

 

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the
better."

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

 

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

2. A room temperature IQ.

3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.

4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

6. As bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.

8. He's so dense, light bends around him.

9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

LOL!! Have a good weekend Jlanders! LOVE YA !!!!

 

I love you the purplest

I just have to share a children's book I've just read!! It is about a mother who has two little boys. It is a beautiful story of a mothers' unconditional  and equal love for her children.I love it espescially as I also have two boys and I can relate to this moms problem of showing no favouritism towards her boys.

The boys go digging for worms in preparation for a fishing trip.They collect a tin each and ask their mom who has the best tin.She tactfully tells them one has the juiciest worms while the other has the most lively ones.Happy that they both are equally wonderful, the boys go fishing with their mom.

The one boy catches three fish while the other only catches one and they ask her who is the best fisherman.She wisely tells them that the one who caught the most was very skilled, but that the boy who caught one, was very patient to have waited so long for his very crafty fish.Once again both boys are happy.

That night in their bunk beds they each whisper in her ear "Mama,who do you love the best?"......a question kids WANT to ask but don't!

She lovingly tells the one boy that she loves him the bluest. The blue of a dragonflies wings he loves to catch.The blue of the bright moon at night .... Then she tells the other boy she loves him the reddest.The red of the setting sun or the burning fire he loves so much.Then they go to sleep happy in the knowledge that their mama loves them equally!

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT? The illustrations are beautiful.I brought it home from school to read to my boys and they LOVED IT (I now have to go and buy them each a copy!) And.... when I hug them I tell Chris "I love you the bluest" and when I hug Travis I tell him " I love you the reddest" And my boys know that I love them equally!!!!

Together they make a beautiful "purple" in my life!

 

This was taken 7 years ago(I try to avoid the camera LOL)